He's Always been Right in Front of Me . . .

How to find true love? Or, does true love really exist? People sometimes jump from one relationship to another so, how can you say that this person is really the one if it always felt that the recent is the one? Does infinite love exist? Can you really love a person for a lifetime? These are my constant questions that had been creating a big chaotic energy burst inside my head and heart ever since I started falling in love. And, I wanted to prove that True love does exist and that you can really love a person for a lifetime.

I am not a love expert. I don’t know the psychology behind it and I don’t have a formal study on human behavior. All I want is to analyze and pour out all the things that are inside my mind on writing. It might lessen the load of over thinking things, you know . And, I would also like to share my own experience in this area including all the emotions I have felt during the process. I’ll include other aspects in life as well in order to analyze the overall picture.

I was raised in a simple family. My dad’s in Military and My mom’s a full time housewife. I have an elder brother. We are not well off but we manage. As life would have it, my parent’s marriage is sort of a failure. They’re still living together but the passion and love had stop couple of years ago. I grew up seeing that love is a hassle and that true love is an illusion. Good thing there are good movies out there making me hope that this thing existed. I hold on to that hope and wishing that one day I might feel that kind of euphoria. I knew in myself that I am born to fall in love to someone someday. I just didn’t expect that I must fall in love a couple of times before having to write these realizations. And blind enough not to see what’s right in front of me ever since.

I was that typical honor-student-girl and rule-abiding-leader kind of person when I was in High School. I was focused on my studies in order to get the highest ranking to maintain my scholarship and constantly help my mom with my tuition fee like what my brother is doing. I excel in academics as you would say it. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have this feeling of ‘want’ to experience the thing that they called love or infatuation. I also get envy on students in relationship. I find it cute and sweet.  I like guys and I have crushes too. I even entertain suitors and daydream of ending up with this guy or that guy as what others are doing too. But I decided not to give in to this kind of experience and stick to what my goal is. I want to graduate as Valedictorian so that I can get a full scholarship grant in college. It is just now that I realized that in order to cope with this situation I psychologically find it interesting to settle with a guy best friend. I was thirsty of fatherly love and we are not that close with my elder brother so I believe that time it makes me happy to have that kind of friendship. I have this guy best friend during my first year and lasted in my second year. I think it ended because I felt that he was having these weird feelings towards me. I find it weird and bothersome so I decided to keep my distance. When I was in my third year, I was able to find the comfort of another guy best friend again and the good thing is it lasted up until now (I still feel awesome thinking about it! ^_^).

It all started when we share an afternoon walk towards my teacher’s apartment during one fine summer day. And unexpectedly, we became classmates. It was kind’a shocking since it was the first time to shuffle students to different sections. I just realize that God has a reason behind it. I and my best friend easily get along with. We are way too different but I think that was the nicest thing about it. He excels in sports and I excel in academics. He was too friendly and had lots of admirers too (but I never find him attractive or good looking! Haha!). I am the serious type and he is that easy-go-lucky and go-with-the-flow type. He cheats on exams, I don’t. But we have common denominators too. We are active in school and we were loved by the teachers since we bring honor to the school in our own different ways. I don’t really remember how we agreed on putting a ‘best friend’ label on our friendship. He said he asked me to be his best friend one day and I agreed. Well, whatever it is, I am thankful that we have that closeness. I kind’a need that kind of friendship that time since I have lots of problems (family related) and strong emotions that needs to be expressed to someone. And I find him as my confidant. But I have other friends who I always consult as well. Behind all this, at the back of my mind, I was wondering what the real definition of ‘Best Friend’, really. Is it that someone who you share your deepest secrets with? Or someone who knows everything about you such as your favorite color, favorite food, favorite movies, your worst character, your good character and the likes? Are we really best friends for real or was it just a label that we put on? We’ve known each other for a year that time but have grown our friendship to that level by just being there for each other. Him being there when I cried my problems out and me being there when he cried once too (in the chapel :p). We occasionally talk about anything. He’s been there and I’m just here. Perhaps the best part about us was that we didn’t put malice on our friendship. It was pure and innocent, at least as for me. Until one day, people started to question the real score. Even two of our closest teachers asked us if we are into each other. And then the weird feeling started. And, once again, I started to keep my distance. The worst part is I confronted him if he has fallen for me and he said he doesn’t. I even blurted that he should not going to fall in love with me or else I’m going to break his bones and turn him upside down. I think that was just my way of putting a wall between us. I don’t want to risk the friendship over that complicated feeling they called love. We keep the friendship going but I felt timid, subdued and intimidated. Time passed swiftly and the school year ended. I don’t remember much of the small details but I remembered that the friendship is still intact. I even remembered crying over a problem when we had our pajama party in our classmate’s house and gave him a tight hug and kiss him for the very first time on his left check as my way of thanking him for the sympathy.

Our first picture together when selfie's not yet a trend. Taken by our English teacher in high school.

During my final year in high school, I started shifting to a different priority consciously and unconsciously. I decided to join the Taekwondo club during the summer and had my first relationship during the whole School year. This doesn’t do me good academically, emotionally and socially. I started to divide my time for school, sports and love. Unconsciously, I was changing the hierarchy of my priorities. Unconsciously, love became the number one priority and academics became the last. I was running for valedictorian that year but have wasted the chance. My friends keep telling me to focus and should stay on track but I still chose to keep my sport and spend more of my time with my boyfriend. He was on a different school so I make an effort to find time to be with him. I lied to my parents, sacrifice school activities, lied to my friends, disappoint a lot of people, spend most of my allowance for him and left my best friend behind. I even defy most of my principles and beliefs. It didn’t start the right way after all so it didn’t do me any good all the way. I was startled and stunned thinking about it. I don’t know why I decided to enter into that relationship even though the guy courted me for about 2 weeks only (if I remember it right). Maybe that’s how it is. I was drowned to the idea of having my first ever relationship and that thought of ‘My first should be my last’ principle. I believe that he is the one that I’ll spend the rest of my life with that time. Good thing is that, my best friend is still there for me. It may not be all the time but I know he’s there. He became my coached when I had my last Taekwondo game and we still talk occasionally. I don’t have that much memory but I know he’s just around. The only thing that I will never forget is the look in his eyes when he discovered that I got a boyfriend. That was epic! (haha!) The last days of my final year are the most stressful days of my life. I had that big regret why I didn’t do well in academics that year. Handling the stress resulted from thinking what course to take is somewhat a hassle. Thinking what I can do to help my boy friend find ways on how he can enroll himself to college since they are not well off is a lot to take in. What’s worst is the fact that my Best friend is living the city for college. But on a second thought, it is a very good opportunity for him and I don’t have the right in any of his decisions. All I know is that, it tears me down. The school year once again ended. I graduated as the batch’s First Honorable Mention. I know I disappointed my parents. I didn’t get my goal. I felt ashamed. I didn’t get a Scholarship in my preferred University (XU) so I decided to take advantage of the other university’s (LDCU) offer so that I still can help my parents with my school expenses. I was granted a full Scholarship and I was planning to take up Accountancy then. But to make the story short, because of my brother, I got enrolled in XU and took up BSIM without any scholarship grants. Thus, my parents shouldered every expense for my studies. My Boy friend got enrolled on the same university and took up the same course as mine after exhausting every possibility and opportunity for schooling. Sadly, it didn’t end well on his part since he had to withdraw from school a week after the start of the class.

First year first semester in college was the hardest. I had difficulty adjusting especially finding or choosing what type of persons to get along with. Some of my principles changed. My outlook somewhat changed as well. I just don’t know if it’s for the better or not. My family is also experiencing a very difficult situation. My dad left us for another woman. But despite this, my mom started to gain strength and finally decide to move on. So that’s it. I only get to see my dad if I’ll ask for my allowance. Seeing my new environment, I started to fall out of love with my Boy Friend. I got tired of always initiating and making the effort for us to meet. Unconsciously, I was also slowly influenced by my college friends. My best friend was out of the whole picture. He had his own life. I remember that we occasionally text each other but not that much. I even remember that we fight over the phone so I kept my distance. I get to be close with one of my guy classmate. And because of the pressure inside my head (I should have a boyfriend who is enrolled in the same school and who is always around me), I remember that I decided to make an effort for him to see me as a potential girlfriend. I ended my relationship with my first boyfriend in a not so smart manner – phone call. After that, I pursued the new guy. I don’t exactly remember how we ended up with each other. All I remember is we did. The relationship lasted for only 3 months. I believe that I was really in love that time and I thought he is the person whom I’ll spend the rest of my life with. But one thing’s not right. I am not my real self when I’m with him. I felt like I need to act mature for him. He changed the way I think and the way I dress. And I didn’t like the reason why we ended. It was the lamest thing ever. It was like I was stubbed to death. The only realization that I had was boys who are bitch really do exist. And another thing, I realized that I was so stupid to do all his assignments and papers! (Arggh!!! That was my weakness!) Well, it again didn’t start right so it didn’t do me any good once again all throughout. I undergo this experience with a very difficult situation in my family. My father hit an accident. We struggled financially and emotionally. My mom wasn’t well that time too. My brother is in his fourth year and I am in college too. I offered to stop schooling to lessen the burden. But I don’t know how my mom does it; I get to enroll myself for another semester and my brother too. My best friend was back in the picture as well! But my heart was broken into pieces with my second relationship during the middle of the second semester. I was wrecked every time I would think of the reason why we broke up. As for my best friend, it was one of his life’s highlights! He finally found his girl (Our batch mate who has a long time crush with him!). He also decided to stay for good this time and enroll himself in the same University as mine! I and another friend actually help him enroll! It goes on well except for a bummer. My best friend’s girl is kind’a annoying. (Ooops! Sorry!) She is so jealous with me and won’t let him spend his time with me! (Well, that was understandable though… uhmm.. I guess?) At home, we still carry the burden of taking care of my dad who was on a state of temporary amnesia and slow recovery. At school, I struggled every time I can see my ex. As for me and my best friend, we seldom see each other. Perhaps because we were busy with school and he needed to give way to his girlfriend. If there are instance that we would see each other, he wouldn’t tell it to her (haha! It was like we were having a secret affair!). Not a good thing right? But I knew that my best friend loves this girl so much and I respect it . I get to meet new friends during the second semester since some students change their blocks with their preferred schedules. I get close with some boys in our block. It was like ‘Meteor Garden’ as you would see it. It was four of them and me. I believe they decided to befriend me so they could copy at my notes, share ideas with our assignments, and cheat on me during exams. But they are all good to me though despite all of it ^_^. And since I always long for that fatherly love and brotherly care, I just let them take advantage of me provided that I can feel that they’re always around for me. It’s just so happen that I got so close with one of them. I consciously know where that is headed but I know in myself that I am still not ready to jump into another relationship that time. But I was open to dating though. I remember dating this guy who works at Jolibee and my best friend told me to look for another guy who is better. Nonetheless, I still cry over my ex and what is happening at home is still traumatic. But, you can’t control your feelings. We’ve grown the friendship and I fell before I even know it. But, once again, it didn’t start right somehow. We kept the real score between us to our friends. And we battle a constant struggle during our first two months, which is summer towards our second year.

When we were in college. He has his own life and I have mine. He has his beautiful relationship going and I got mine too.

On our second year, we go out in public and show them that we were couple. Our friends were shocked but most of the people didn’t care. We were continually fighting a constant battle in our relationship behind. It is just now that I realized that my argument and reason that time were lame and stupid to give in and vested him the power to rule. I became weak and I lose. But I was constantly thinking about it and over analyze things. Distinguishing things basing from the current situation is the hardest thing for me. I need to have my principles, beliefs and the reality combined to understand everything. This goes on and on. In order to strengthen our relationship, I exert too much effort. I befriended and pleased all of his siblings (I even do his sister’s assignments and projects!), go to his house always (as if I was the guy here..tsk3!), impressed his parents and met his relatives. Aside from that, I constantly make an effort for him as well. I always offer to make his assignments, make him notes during exams, learn computer games for him, encourages him, motivates him, do things for him (photocopy books, process his papers, accompany him during enrolments, research for him), give him chocolates and sweet notes during monthsaries, give him gifts during Christmas, make something special during his birthdays, think of ways on what to give him during anniversaries, randomly cook desserts for him (though I’m really not good in cooking), being always there for him even in the middle of the night and constantly making the first move during LQ’s. This goes on for the next 4 and a half years. As for him, he showed care, concern and support on selected things (whoa! Can’t think of anything else!...But I don’t know his side though) We had our own sacrifices for each other anyway. He isolates his self with me and I isolate myself for him alone. I slowly forget friends and I didn’t grow my friends list. He also did the same. He stops spending time with friends except our classmates and their neighbors. He avoids doing his passion because of the idea that this might hinder our time together. As for me, I did the same. In short, our world was revolving around each other and some close and select friends. I slowly forgot about my best friend too. We see each other at times only if he needed something from me and if I needed something from him. He has his own life and I have mine. I get updates from him only in Facebook and seldom through texts. But when we see each other, seems that nothing changes. We can still talk the way we always do. We sometimes bump on each other at school but with minimal talking. Until such time that it came to me the news that he broke up with his girlfriend. A couple of months later, I’ve heard that he had another girl who is also one of our batch mates. That was right after they attended the High School Alumni reunion. I kept my distance. I can see that my best friend is more serious on this girl and he loves this girl so much more than the other one. And, I am isolating myself for my boy friend down to our family and relatives only. We don’t go out with friends and we thought we don’t need them. It came to a point that the only contacts listed in my phone were my family and his family only. I was deeply in love at that time. I gave everything down to the last piece. I can sacrifice everything and anything for him. And I strongly believe that he will be the one whom I’ll spend the rest of my life with. He even proposes to me on our 3^rd year anniversary (was it 2^nd or 3^rd? I couldn’t remember exactly. Sorry!) and promised to marry me when the right time comes. I said yes but I can really remember that something is holding me back inside (I think I was thinking about the time that he first slapped me). Nevertheless, we started to plan for our future.

I graduated first. I got a job right after graduation while he continue for summer and another semester. I quit my first job after a month because it hinders our time together (because the office is quite far!). I needed to get up early in the morning and go home late since I needed to drop by at his house. I also quit the job because there is this position that I really want to achieve. I prayed for the job that I want and was given the opportunity to get it in just a snapped! The office was in the city center, the position was the one that I really really really wanted and the pay is quite high (I just realize that it wasn’t that high though :p) for an entry level. I quit my first job and started my other job. That was the job that I always wanted! I got salary increases every now and then and was doing my job well. I also got great officemates who I really enjoy and love. But the only wrong thing was, my boyfriend started to be so possessive, controlling and paranoid. He was still studying that time. He demands for my time and presence. He even asks me to get out of the office at exactly 6 PM. There were times that I wanted to stay in the office just to chat with my officemates but I couldn’t do that. I even take unplanned leave just to spend the whole time with him without my parents knowing that I was on leave! (Imagine that?) And I even sacrifice office outing just because he doesn’t want me to go (That was a free Dahilayan adventure and Del Monte Clubhouse steak for lunch for God’s sake!!!). But since I love him that much, I go ahead and sacrifice those. I know deep inside I was hurting but I didn’t give a damn. As the year was ending, my work is getting so stressful. My boyfriend is getting worst. He was overly jealous and possessive. He was looking for work that time since he finally finished his entire remaining subject at the end of the first semester. It is a lot to take in. This made me decide to do a big sacrifice. Since I was deeply in love that time and I can sacrifice everything for him, I decided to quit my job. I talk to my boss and explained everything. I was struck on what he said. He told me that I had a great potential and would really excel in the field; He told me that love shouldn’t be controlling; He told me that a healthy relationship shouldn’t hinder each one of you to grow and explore your wants; He told me that I was still young and should enjoy it; He told me that I only got few years left to explore and spend time with friends and family since after getting married I’ll have my other priorities. I know that what he said was true. But then again, I didn’t give a damn. I was blinded by the whole idea of love and sacrifices. I don’t want to lose him. He was the one that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Even though it hurts, I didn’t care. I disappointed my friends and my parents. This left me unemployed. The worst thing is I don’t have someone to talk to about all of this. In the first place, I don’t want to talk about it to someone anyway. I want everybody to see that we are always okay. I don’t want to blurt out problems because of the idea that it is only between me and him. My best friend is out in the picture again. I don’t know what’s happening in his life and he doesn’t know what’s happening with mine. I deleted my facebook account and so my boyfriend’s account. We both became possessive and paranoid for each other. We know it didn’t do any good but we still continue to do so. 

My colleagues in Agile Technologies. This is the work that I really really really like so far. And I so want this back.

We had decided to have a fresh start at the beginning of a new year (2012). We’ve planned everything. We look for jobs that we think would be beneficial for both us. We set each other as our top most priority (at least as for me he was always my number 1 priority). We even start planning for marriage and building our own family. It seems that my life is heading towards spending my lifetime with this person. I was 20 years old that time (take note!!! 20!!!!). Both of us found our own job. He got employed in a bank and I was employed in a startup company. My work was so relax that I have a lot of time to spend with him. I stick to what we have planned out at the beginning of the year. At first, he did too. But as time goes by, something’s slowly changing. We were together for already four years that time. I constantly find time for him even if I had to go to his office every afternoon (since my work ends at 2pm!!) and visit their house every Sunday (I don’t have works on Saturdays and Sundays anyway). I always invite him to drop by our house but he would seldom do it. That’s fine with me though because I love him. I changed my contact number and will not give it to anyone who would ask for it even my officemates. I’m limiting my contacts to family, relatives and our very very very close friends. I don’t even have my best friend’s number!

My boyfriend is slowly changing. He finally understood how the real world works. The plans that we have seems, for him, is not achievable for a short span of time anymore. He would argue with me if I’ll bring it up. He seldom spends time with me since he now feels stress with work. And this time, I was the one who demanded time and presence from him. We seldom go out on dates but I always see to it that I visit him every Sundays. At the month of August that year my Company decided to stop its operation and this leaves me unemployed once again. And so I decided to try home based jobs like what my colleagues are doing. I thought of it as an opportunity for me to really think hard on what field to pursue, what job to apply for and what to do in life as a whole. I tried applying for banks and government offices. I was offered a job in a Software Development and Distributor company but would require me to be trained in Davao for a month and the possibility to be assigned in Cebu. But since I don’t want to be away from my boy friend, I didn’t accept the opportunity even though I really need a job. As for our status, we seem to be not doing really well. We always had quarrels and I can feel that at times he get fed up with my demands.

One day, we decided to talk things out. It was his birthday (mid September). And to my surprise, he asks for a little space and time. In short, we had this thing called “cool off”. I ask him to give me a valid reason and he mentioned about him having this problem that he doesn’t want me to be involve. I don’t exactly know and understand what he was trying to say and he would refuse to elaborate it most of the time. When I would try to analyze things, I would come up with the conclusion that he wanted to focus on finding stability with his finances and would want to focus on thinking what he really want in life. He wants to quit his job but can’t do it because he has a lot of fears inside. I wanted to sympathize with him and help him with this but he refuse. I always give him words of encouragement to motivate him but seem that it wasn’t enough.

At first nothing really changes. We still see each other and I still visit him during Sundays. We also sometimes see each other after his work. But every time I would demand for his time and presence, he would constantly remind me that we are on a “cool off” state. It hurts me every time. And so, I decided to ask for a break up. This is my way of setting a boundary between us. So that every time I would demand for his time and he would refuse to give it, it will not going to hurt me that much. At first he insisted not to. But later on, he gives in. We still continue to see each other but not that much. He would always tell me to continue my life without him and that I should enjoy and do the things that I want. He even blurted his sacrifices for me when we had text conversations. It was heart breaking for me. I was really shattered. I don’t know what to do with my life. I can’t breathe. I don’t have a sense of purpose. I occasionally cry in private. But despite all of this, I don’t want to move on. I’ll wait for him until he will be okay. The worst part is I don’t have someone to talk to.

I decided to continue looking for job. I visited my previous University for job postings and to update my resume and left it in the university HR. Luckily, I saw my best friend!!! I missed him so much so I hugged him tightly! We chatted for a bit. He mentioned that he was undergoing his OJT in the University’s CISSO office. I check how he was doing and he mentioned that he and his girlfriend is not doing well (I think he mentioned that they broke up already! Can’t remember! Tsk3!). He asked for my number but I refuse to give it to him :p (did I remember it correctly? Oh Well.). He once emailed me asking how I am doing and I suddenly missed him so much! It so happen that my boy friend have read it and he somehow got jealous. I decided not to communicate with him anymore. But when I see him again at school, I was so happy! When I got home, I opened my mom’s FB account and added him. We chatted almost every day. We talk about how he was doing. I also decided to give him my number. We started texting again (did I remember it right?). I decided to revive our friendship and make up to him. I ask him once to treat me to dinner. He agreed. We had dinner and we talk about anything under the sun. We go out a couple of times after that - Go for ice cream and hotbikes meeting. I like the fact that there is no dull moment when I’m with him (I can always be myself. I am that comfortable!)! I slowly open up to him about how my heart was. As for my mom, she always scolds me about spending time with my best friend since I have my boyfriend (she doesn’t know how I was, so she misunderstood everything). But I don’t really care. I cried over him once about my heartbreak. Even though I enjoy being with him, I would always decide to cut our communication and left him hanging. It is because in my mind, I am still hoping that I and my ex will get back someday and it is not nice to spend time with another man. It feels like cheating for me (So paranoid! Gosh!). When I look at it now, I believe I was just afraid that I might fall for my best friend. Is it? Or I have been falling for him a couple of times already? I don’t exactly know. But if you would look at it, I believe I am - from the day that I told him not to fall in love with me, every time I would decide to leave him hanging, every time I would decide to cut our communication, and every time I would push him away. But I am glad that there will always be moments that he will need me and look for me no matter what (that was a big relief, you know!). And so that’s it. We stopped communicating. I believe he did go to Manila during the Christmas holiday. As for me, I was left in misery. Still communicating with my ex boyfriend but struggling and always so demanding. It hurts me every time he would reject me and remind me about our state. I even told him a thousand times that we should get back together but he always rejects me. In order to somehow help myself, I decided to look for opportunities to get out of the city. I even ask my brother if I could work in Singapore too but he refused. And so I find another way. Until such time that I was given the opportunity to be working with my precious colleagues in Makati, Manila as one of the company’s IT Administrator. I grabbed the chance without any hesitations. I am supposed to stay in my colleagues’ apartment (I don’t like them because they’re into bar hopping) or at my closest friend’s condo (her cousin is my ex’s ex and she’s staying there that time, so kind’a awkward) but it ends up that I stayed in my ex’s brother’s apartment. My ex’s brother and his fiancée don’t know what’s happening with us. Our families didn’t know as well. They believe that we’re doing just great and that we will end up together for good. Kind’a hard for me sometimes especially if his brother would ask me these questions: “How is my brother doing?”, “Did you know that my brother got drunk and got home at dawn?”, “Where is he right now? I can’t contact him”. I sometimes don’t know what to say because we don’t communicate that much. There was this once that my ex’s lost his phone. We don’t have any communication. I need to call his parents so that I could talk to him. One day, I received a text from my best friend. I changed my phone number when I went to Manila and was wondering where the hell he gets my number. He told me that he once visited our house and was stunned knowing that I was in Manila. He asked my mom for my number. From then on, we started texting again. Later on, we started talking to the phone occasionally. I was surprised with myself that sometimes, I am the one initiating the calls! We talk every weekends from night ‘till dawn, we talk before I’ll go to the office (at around 8pm since my work starts at 9pm), during my breaks (at around 11pm) and early in the morning every time I am heading home. We talk about anything under the sun! I even ask him to come to Manila for work so that we will spend time together. We even talk about going on a travel together. And talk about him cooking me dinner. He even promised that if he will be in Manila, he will definitely bring me lunch at the office even though he knows that my lunch break is at 1AM. We even agreed that he will pick me up at the air port for my scheduled flight in going home for a vacation. (I was melting!) Even then, I am having this weird feeling and started telling him that he shouldn’t care that much. I am pushing him away. (I believe I did that as my way of convincing myself not to fall in love with my best friend and to wait for my ex boyfriend, since I was so focus of the idea on ending up with him). While I was so happy about this, though hesitant at times, my ex’s brother and his fiancée has been noticing my actions and started to question who I am talking. I explained that I was talking to my best friend. The girl’s tone most of the time is somehow suspicious and somehow telling me indirectly to stop calling him. And so I did. Once again, I left my best friend hanging.

When I was in Manila and he is in CDO. We have our separate lives.

I asked my ex to visit me in Manila. I booked him plane ticket and promised to shoulder his expenses but he was reluctant on coming because he doesn’t have money for expenses (I said I will shoulder his expenses right? Tsk3! Maybe pride did strike in!). I persuade him and finally he did agree to come. I planned the visit dates on our anniversary (do ex celebrates anniversary?). I was still hoping back then that maybe we need this vacation to rekindle our relationship and to talk about us getting back together. So the date did come. We were like newlyweds on honey moon (on a second thought, I did remember that we argue at times). But on the last day of his stay, we talk and agreed that we need to go our separate ways. He told me to continue and enjoy life without him. I prepared myself to accept it. I did try to continue my life without him. But deep inside, I was still hoping that we will get back together when the time comes. I still act as his girlfriend. I would text him everything that I am doing and will be doing (so lame!). I open an FB account because my ex asks me to. He told me that this is his way of getting updates on me. I did ask him to re-create his account too but he refused. I added friends including my best friend. We started communicating again. I changed my number that time so that I’ll have the same network as my ex. I thought my best friend will be excited about this since we will be of the same network too but he was kind’a cold in his text messages. I didn’t mind this anyway. But I was kind’a surprise that I can caught myself getting jealous every time my best friend would post something on his wall about a girl or something or when I would notice that there are newly added friends who are mostly girls. I don’t know why but I felt this most of the time.

I don’t know what’s got into me but there came a point that I can’t handle my emotion anymore. I got so depress and was almost always crying. Every time I hear my mom’s voice on the phone every day, I felt so weak. I missed my mom. I missed my life in CDO. I missed my ex. I missed how things are before. I was so depressed about how we ended up in our current state. I don’t understand my feelings. I started to get so stress about my work. It seems that I cannot handle my 8 hour shift and started to complain about it. I have lots of invalid reasons why I don’t like my work and I don’t like working. It came to my senses to decide on going back home thinking that I can undo things and I can turn things back the way it used to be. My thinking back then was I need to go home and make an effort to win back my ex’s heart. I was so positive that we will get back together the way we were if I will be going home. I believe 8 months is enough for him to miss me and for him to realize my worth. I decided to go home for good. I filed my resignation and once again disappoint a lot of people. I am again sacrificing a very good opportunity and a very promising future just for this guy (so stupid right?). I told my mom about going home. At first she was convincing me to stay until December but I told her that I can’t handle that anymore. She supported me about this and agreed of my decision. She was very supportive of me. I was excited to tell this to my ex thinking that he would be excited that I am finally coming home. When I did, I was very disappointed when he told me and convinces me to stay. He told me that I have a great opportunity and has potentials of earning much money rather than going home. He told me that it is a very bad idea to come home. He told me that there is no good company that I can settle in CDO and that I cannot earn what I am earning if I would work in CDO. This got me teary eyed. I inform my best friend about it (and I forgot his reaction! Haha!). I informed Nixa, one of my closest friends, about it and she convinces me not to go home. Despite all of this, I still pursue with my decision of coming home. I even rebook my plane ticket on an earlier date just to be home sooner (I rebook it a week of the supposed flight schedule and it cost me a couple of bucks, you know.). And there I was, home. My ex fetches me at the airport (after convincing him mannnnyyy times to fetch me!). Finally, I was home.

I and my best friend started texting again. We never saw each other in the first week since I and my mom need to go to my father’s ancestral home for my Lola’s funeral. We kept the communication going while I was on vacation. He even calls me up. We talk about going to Bohol during summer and spending a lot of times together. We are again starting to make plans. He convinces me as well to enjoy my life being single and not to think about my ex anymore. When I got home, I invited him over for my birthday. I invited my ex but he refused to come. I started to admit to my mom that I and my ex already broke up and the real reason why I decided to accept the opportunity in Manila. When I first saw my best friend, I hugged him tight! I missed him so much! We talked but not that much. We continue texting on the next days but I was so stupid enough to always bring my ex and how I am madly in love with him as the topic. I remember telling him always that I want to marry my ex and things like that. I am again consciously and unconsciously pushing him away. It’s been almost a month that time since I got home that I realized that I cannot bring back how things are between me and my ex so I decided to pause for a while and act as his good friend instead. There are times that I still visit him at their house. But he himself doesn’t have time to visit me at my house. I started to stop being sweet to him at texts and started not to text him always. I got tired, I guess. And so I focus on keeping in touch with my friends through FB. And I started doing stupid things. I even think of being a bitch for a while. (that was the worst mistake ever and I don’t have plans of doing it again eveerrrrr!!!!). I even thought that I was falling in love with someone who is so wrong to fall in love with because I become so paranoid and depress about my ex (imagine how I become so sweet about this person over the phone! T_T)! Good thing my best friend is always there. He scolds me every time! He keeps on reminding me to stay focus, think about my actions and move on for God’s sake! But I was so weak and stupid. I always give in to my stupidity and weakness.  Though I was stupid, he still finds time to see me. What I like most is he will make himself available for me even on short notice. If I would call him to come over, he will come over. If I would text him to treat me dinner, he will treat me dinner. Even though I always pushed him away, he would still be there for me. He can’t help it, I guess :p! I am happy having him around. But despite his sacrifices, I would still chose to settle with my ex  (lamest thing ever!). I am constantly hurting my best friend . I am fully aware of it! But that is because I don’t want to fall in love with him! If I would get close to him a little bit, I knew in myself that I would definitely fall! Who wouldn’t? He is so caring, so lovable and I am absolutely and undoubtedly comfortable with him! But no. It should not be. It must not be! I can’t be in love with my best friend!!!!!

Despite of my hidden struggles, I still chose to always spend time with him. We always had this late night road trips and chit chats. I sometimes murmur ‘I love you best’ when I am behind him and when he would ask me to explain it further, I would say that I love him as my best friend! ^_^ I sometimes hugged him from behind without him knowing that it is so tempting to kiss him! :P Yes. Indeed. I was falling for him. But I don’t know what to do with this feeling. And I am not admitting it in myself. Every time I am with him, I feel incredibly happy. I can even say to myself that I am happier when I am with him rather than when I am with my ex. Every time he would send me home, it is so tempting to hug him for good bye or kiss him good night. But I don’t want to give him a weird impression. What if he wouldn’t like it? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? And I was waiting for my ex right? Why am I falling for someone? This is way out of bounce. My life has been planned out to marry my ex and this is not part of the plan! I shouldn’t be in love with my best friend!!!! I am not his type anyway.  I had few attempts of leaving him behind again, but this time, I can’t do it! Arghh!!!!  I even planned on not seeing him for the next couple of months but the forces of the universe didn’t allow that to happen! That was a very good thing! ^_^

I want to confirm my feelings. I want to know if I still love my ex or I am really falling for my best friend. I always invite my ex for dates but he sometimes rejects me because of his busy schedule. There was this time that he agreed to meet me. I wanted to see and feel if there is still this spark between us. I also visit his house to see if I am still happy being with him. And there I realized that I am falling out of love. He acts sweet at times but I kind’a don’t like it anymore. I’ll bring up about getting back together just to test him but he still rejects me and ask me to wait a little longer (I don’t exactly know what it is that needs waiting!). I am not happy anymore, I can feel it. I tried to be happy but I just can’t. I guess I got tired of everything. I guess I finally realized that I deserve a better treatment. What I and my ex have is not doing any good to me. It’s not anymore love. I guess I finally realized that I deserve to be loved, cared and pampered. I deserve someone better. No. I deserve someone who is the BEST; that someone who would always be there for me no matter what; that someone who would drop everything just to be with me; that someone who will make sacrifices for me; that someone who will give me so much love and support; that someone who will make me a better person; that someone who will take good care of me in many ways; that someone who will make an effort to make me happy; that someone who will mend my broken heart and put each and every piece back in its own place; that someone whom I am comfortable being with; that someone who I can be myself always; that someone who knows me inside and out; that someone who will make an effort to know my friends; that someone who will understand me every time; that someone who will pamper me a lot; that someone who will fight for me and will never let me go no matter what; that someone who would want to spend his eternity with me; that someone who can be my best friend and lover at the same time; that someone who will not judge me; that someone who will compliment and complete me; that someone who motivates and inspires me; that someone whom I can be adventurous with; that someone whom I can laugh even with some silly jokes; that someone who would still pick me up in the middle of the night even if we were fighting; that someone who would choose to stay at my side even if he doesn’t feel like hugging or kissing; that someone who’ll cook for me; that someone who will spoil me; that someone who will make plans with me and will stick to it no matter what; that someone who will always on the go even with unplanned events; that someone who likes to read any of my writings even if it’s boring; that someone whom I can watch any kind of movie; that someone who is always open in any of my ideas even if it’s sort of nonsense at times; that someone who listens; that someone who would correct me if I’m wrong; that someone who is not afraid to scold me if the need arises; that someone who always look into the bright side of things; that someone who misses me; that someone who would do simple things for me wholeheartedly without my demands; that someone who will make plans to build a family with me; that someone who finds me beautiful; that someone who tells me I’m pretty and sexy; that someone who will text and call me without any reason; that someone who knows my worth and will value me more than anything in the world; that someone who loves his parents so much especially his mom; that someone who likes kids; that someone who is so hardworking; that someone who would ask me for dates and eats out with me just about anywhere; that someone who makes me feel contented; that someone who brings out the best in me; and that someone who would do these things for me because he is molded that way by God. I strongly believe that God is working on molding this kind of person only for me to make me infinitely happy. ^_^

So there you go. I decided to be happy, finally. My feelings for my best friend are getting stronger and stronger every day. Even my subconscious is telling me this. I dreamt of kissing him twice! But I still don’t know what to do with this feeling. I always act harsh towards him. I want to push him away. But instead of going away, he seems to get closer and closer. He would insist on picking me up every time I would go out. He picks me up at the gym, he picks me up at the mall even if I tell him not to, he picks me up in the office and send me home every time. I was so flattered and happy! But I am not showing this to him until such time that I cannot control my feelings anymore. It is creating an unimaginable bursting of atomic bliss inside my heart and mind. He is ALWAYS inside my head. I ALWAYS think about him. I cannot control it anymore and so I give in. I don’t care what his reactions would be and I don’t care anymore if he would feel the same way too or not. All I know is that, I want to show him what my feelings really are. I tell him what I think. I hug him always. I joke around on always kissing him without him knowing that I was so serious about it. I was experiencing that kind of intense freedom. I am not afraid anymore. I don’t know how it happens but we both fell before we even know it. We both feel the same way (that was a relief! I don’t know what to do if it doesn’t). We both love each other. We both admit that the feeling might be something that has always been there, something that was long been hidden. I never thought it could bring me so much happiness. I never thought that love has been always right in front of me. I never thought that this man right here is the one I have always been wanting, the one that I have always been dreaming, the one that I have always been praying. Now that I have him, I’ll never let him go. I’ll constantly work on how to make him stay. Now that I have him, I know that I will be the happiest and that I will be the best person that I can be. I have learned my mistakes in my previous relationships and I wanted to make things right this time. That’s because He is worth having; He is worth fighting; He is worth keeping; He is worth loving; and He is my best friend. I’ve been really blessed. I don’t know if I deserve this or not. I don’t know how to thank GOD for all of this. Perhaps the only thing that I can do is LOVE this person wholeheartedly, because he himself deserves to be LOVE fully. 

It’s been more than a month now since then. I don’t want to count the days but I think it is just right to count the blessings. Up until now, I am every day thankful that I decided to fall for him. He is making me happy and he always brings out the best in me. I wanted to start a lifetime with him right away. I am madly, deeply, incredibly in love with this person. No words can explain how I feel towards him. All I can do is entrust everything to God and trust HIM. ^_^

Some of our selfie's. :)

So, does true love exist? Does love last for a lifetime? I don’t know. Lifetime is quite very long. My realization was this: If you find a love who nurtures you, brings out the best in you, mold you to be the best person, who is not self- seeking, who is constantly patient, who fights, who is kind, who is never envy, who is not easily angered, who is not delighted with evil but rejoices with the truth, who always protects, who always trusts, and who always perseveres, as what it is written in the Bible, then that’s true love. In which, I believe, can last a lifetime. When love comes at the right time, it will all throughout be right. We just always need to have a little faith in HIM. 